Title: Remorse

Author: Kyouryoku Senshi

E-mail: kyouryokusenshi@michirutenou.com

Rating: PG-13

Classification: Mulder/Scully Romance

Spoilers: Via Negativa and references to several other Season 8 episodes.

Summary: Mulder empathizes with what Scully has gone through more than she could possibly know. Perhaps he always has.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters...you know the drill.

Mulder sat in the darkness of his apartment, his TV was the only source of illumination.

‘We will find him. I have to.’

‘I’m having a hard time explaining it. Or believing it, but um...I’m pregnant.’

Up until a few nights ago, the reoccurring nightmares involving his abduction had ceased. Although, recently he’d been experiencing these visions involving his partner that had taken place during his abduction. Terrible, sometimes violent and vivid images of despair.

Mulder witnesses Scully’s melancholy as she passed almost absently through his apartment before she settled down onto his bed with one of his dress shirts clasped tightly in her hands before closing her eyes.

‘I can’t take the chance that I’ll never see him again.’

He winces as he sees Scully’s face contort in anguish before she collided into a glass wall.

In an attempt to rid these images, he shook his head and snatched the remote control. He punched the power button before throwing the remote control to the other side of the room, hitting a vase unintentionally.

Paying no attention to the inanimate object, he swiftly turned out the light and hurried out of the room as if to seek escape from the ceaseless dreams. However, he had no such luck. Scully’s words continuously plagued the back of his mind.

‘Because it’s what the boy saw and in an instant I realized it’s what Mulder would have seen or understood.’ Scully’s voice broke

‘Because that’s just how he came at things, without judgment or prejudice and with an open mind that I am just not capable of.’ She began to cry

“Oh god, Scully.” He whispered as he stared into his bathroom mirror

He knew she had cried for him...ended up in the hospital infinite times. Yet he still couldn’t quite fathom why he had distanced himself from her, pushed her away.

As he gazed into the mirror, he gazed into what was no longer his reflection but Scully who was now being restrained by several cult members.

‘No, No! I’m pregnant! No! No, don’t do this! I’m going to have a baby!’ she cried out desperately as she fought with her captors only to find her efforts futile

‘No, don’t do this! No! I’m going to have a baby!’ she yelled frantically

Mulder grabbed a medicine bottle prescribed that would help him sleep and quickly took a few pills before washing it down with a large glass of water.

He nearly slammed the medicine cabinet. Eager to break away from these unavoidable visions and reoccurring nightmares that plagued his mind, he jumped into his bed. The idea of changing or brushing his teeth for that matter was the furthest thing from his mind.

He lay in bed for what seemed like an eternity before a welcoming blackness overcame him...or so he thought.


Scully shot up in bed, the sound of her heart racing drowning out any other audible sound. She quickly inspected her surroundings as though she had momentarily forgotten where she was. Coming to term with reality, she found herself wrapped warmly in the blankets of Mulder’s bed. Finally realizing why she had been drawn out of her reoccurring nightmares about Mulder, a sharp pain had cursed through her abdomen immediately alerting her of the unborn child growing inside of her.


She immediately moved to switch on the light while her gaze shifted to the digital alarm clock at Mulder’s bedside which displayed 3:00AM. Another pain shot through her.

‘Oh god, no! My baby!’

Clutching the small swell of her abdomen, she forced herself to vacant the warmth of Mulder’s bed. She faltered over towards her long winter coat which lay sprawled out over a chair near the entrance of the bedroom before she awkwardly made her way out of the apartment.

‘I can’t loose this baby.’


When Scully arrived at the hospital a short while later, the pain had subsided and even if it was only slightly, she was grateful that she had made it to the hospital safely.

She quickly exited her car and began to jog lightly over towards the emergency wing of the hospital. When she reached the entrance, unable to keep up the pace, she slowed to a brisk and insistent stride.

She managed to pass through the crowded waiting area, anxious to be assured that she and the baby would be fine.

Sure enough, a nurse asked to her sign herself in. Scully took the pen from the woman’s outstretched hand and the clipboard from the other.

As the nursed turned around to go about various insistent and urgent tasks, Scully studied the admittance form before she wrote down Dana Scully, for Acute Abdominal Pain.

She handed the clipboard back to the nurse before making her way back into the congested waiting area.

She was able to spot a vacant seat beside an elderly couple. The woman was obviously tending to her husband who appeared to be suffering from pneumonia. The woman looked up as Scully approached them and managed a weak smile as she moved her purse from the vacant seat beside them to make some room.

Scully returned the same sad gaze and simultaneously placed her hand gently on the tender skin of her abdomen before she gratefully took the seat. “Thank you.”

The elderly woman looked over at Scully who was unconsciously making a soothing circular motion over her stomach in an attempt to relieve the severe abdominal pain.

Scully caught the woman’s gaze as the woman slowly nodded in understanding before turning back to her ill husband who was coughing ceaselessly in an attempt to comfort him.

Scully lay her head back against the cold and hard wall of the room while she immersed herself into her thoughts. At one point, when she first joined the X-Files, feeling embarrassed and being degraded by her co-workers about working in the X-Files division bothered her. At this point, she could care less about what people thought of her. All she was concerned about was the safety and well being of her unborn child and to find Mulder.

She had come to believe that they were her soul purpose for living. They were the reason that she had to keep fighting, to stay strong.

While she had been waiting, she had made a phone call to Agent Doggett to check up on him and his investigation and inform him that something had come up. However, she wasn’t ready to elaborate on anything just yet. She just couldn’t take the chance that they would use her pregnancy against her.

Drawing herself out of her reverie, Scully glanced at her watch to see that it was nearly three twenty now. She looked over to see that the two seats beside her that the elderly couple had just been occupying were now vacant.

She glanced once more at her watch and decided to make a quick phone call to Agent Doggett to keep from drawing any further suspicion about her.

About ten minutes later, the pain had finally subsided as she hung up the payphone. She turned when she saw the same nurse from earlier approach her.

“Ms.Scully? The doctor wants to see you right away.”

Scully just nodded solemnly as the nurse led her into a vacant room. She motioned for Scully to have a seat and that it would be only a few short minutes before the doctor would be in.

She missed Mulder terribly and wanted so badly for him to be with her. She wanted so badly the hear him reassure her that it would be alright like he had done so many times in the past.

She placed her hand over her face in attempt to keep herself from breaking as her lip started to quiver.

However there was a nock on the door, causing Scully to Jump and break her train of thought. Seeing his patient’s reaction, the doctor held out his hand to halt any further movement. ”Whoa there, you’ve must have been through quite a scare.” He said gently before he went back to examining the writing on the clipboard he held in his hand.


“Yes.” She confirmed

“Acute abdominal pain?”

Scully nodded

“We’ll need to perform some tests before we come to a conclusion on the cause.” The doctor said as he withdrew a pen from his shirt pocket

“Before we get started, is there anything else I should know?” he asked as he placed the pen to the sheet of paper on the clipboard

“Yes. I, uh I’m pregnant.”

After the doctor had performed numerous tests on her and received the results after what seemed like several hours, Scully was feeling rather apprehensive as she waited in the hospital bed when the doctor finally entered.

“I have both good and bad news, Ms. Scully.”

Hearing the bad news first would ensure that the good news would out rule.

“The bad.” Scully insisted

“Well, it’s possible your condition is a result of an excessive amount of stress.” The doctor explained

“The circumstances of it may be the fact that you are pregnant.” He continued

Scully remained silent as the doctor continued. “On the contrary, I’d like to assure you that your baby will be alright.

“Although, I’d highly suggest that you stay a few more days in case your symptoms return.” The doctor instructed

Scully just nodded as she willed the impertinent tears not to enter her vision.

Sensing her obvious need to be alone, the doctor slowly backed up to the door. “A nurse will be back shortly to bring you something to eat. Meanwhile, take it easy Ms. Scully for both yourself and your baby. Considering your occupation, you are under more stress than a pregnant woman should be. I would strongly advise you to take some time off because not only is your occupation a dangerous one but it’s affecting you and the baby’s health. If you continue as you are now, you’ll risk loosing the baby.” The doctor said solemnly before exiting her hospital room

Once the door closed, Scully’s facial features contorted as she was unable to hold back her tears any longer. She placed the palms of her hands over her face in an attempt to conceal her greatest weakness from the rest of the world. She began to cry softly. “Oh, Mulder.”


Mulder bolted up in bed, breathing heavily as his face was streaked in cold sweat. “Scully.” He said once more, this time softly

After a moment of lounging in an eerie silence, Mulder nearly tore away his bedspread in an almost frantic attempt to get himself up and to Scully.

He just threw a shirt and jeans on and could have cared less at that moment what people thought about him. Actually, it never bothered him whatsoever. If everyone on the face of the earth decided to view him as ‘Spooky’ for as long as he lived, so be it. As long as he had Scully, nothing else was important.

As he entered the living room in a brisk stride, he picked up the key Scully had given back to him when he had returned off of the coffee table and was out the door. Scully had always insisted that if he needed anything, that he was always welcome to call her or feel free to see her anytime.

The drive over towards Scully’s house despite the heavy rain was rather quick and efficient. Sure enough, he found himself standing on the outside of her apartment door. Reluctant to enter, he glanced at his watch to see that it was nearly two in the morning.

He had gotten up and arrived there so quickly that he didn’t even bother to so much as glance at his alarm clock.

Surely, Scully was asleep. Drawing a reluctant breath, Mulder inserted the key into the door and quietly stepped into the vast darkness of the apartment, taking in the serene atmosphere that was Scully.

He noticed little change in the overall layout of Scully’s apartment since he had last been there. He couldn’t help but find himself drawn to the scattered sonograms on Scully’s glass coffee table.

It was so unlike Scully to be unorganized. Had she honestly changed that much since he was gone? He proceeded towards her bedroom so see the door just a crack ajar. He gently pushed the door open revealing Scully’s bedroom in the vast darkness illuminated by the stream of moonlight that flowed over Scully’s small form on the side of the bed.

As he moved forward into the room, he could barely see her shifting beneath the moonlight. She muttered something hardly audible. He couldn’t decipher if it was a word or a sentence. “Mulder?” She whispered softly

“Scully?” Mulder responded louder than the intended

Mulder instantly drew backwards as Scully gasped and immediately shot up in bed. Her heart was racing and her breathing heavy and uneven. She finally opened her eyes and they slowly adjusted to the darkness before settling on the tall wavering silhouette before her.

Stricken by both fear and at the same time, hope, Scully began to speak in a soft spoken voice. “Mulder, is that you?” she asked as she rose from her bed making an unconscious move towards the gun in her dresser drawer

Barely able to make out this notion, Mulder immediately drew forward. “Yeah, Scully. It’s okay, it’s me.” He assured her

Flooded with relief, Scully withdrew her hand and instantly enveloped him in a tight embrace. “Oh god Mulder, are you okay?” she asked worriedly

Mulder shifted in her embrace, trying to accommodate her now expanded stomach.

Mulder closed his eyes as he relaxed in her embrace. “Yeah...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Mulder said softly as he encircled her small form and nestled his head by her neck

It had been so long, he couldn’t remember the last time he had held her like this. All those months on that ship, the longing he had felt for his partner. He would have given anything for her to just simply smile at him, hell, even regard him with another scientific explanation in an attempt to debunk his far fetched theories.

“I’m just so happy you came to see me, I was so worried.” Scully broke as she tightened her embrace around his waist and rested her head against his shoulder

“I know, Scully. I know.” He whispered before he gently pulled away and rested his forehead against her own

He remembered comforting her just like this when she had informed him that the IVF failed. ‘Such irony’ he thought to himself as he gazed down at her swollen middle.

He grimaced as she held back a sob. Several minutes passed as the pouring rain glided against the windows of the apartment, both finding it to be a great source of alleviation. Mulder had been the first to break the silence.

“I’m so sorry, Scully. I wasn’t there when you needed me, when the baby needed me and then coming back as a complete ass. I can’t even begin to fathom how much I’ve hurt you; not only within the last six months but over the last eight years and yet somehow you have always stuck by my side and fought the good fight through every alien conspiracy, lie and trauma. I once told you that you were my friend, my constant, my touchtone and that will never change. I only hope that you can forgive me, you and the baby are my family Scully, my only family.”

“Oh Mulder...none of this is your fault, you know I’d forgive you.” Scully whispered as her voice began to break

Mulder placed a kiss to her forehead before resting his chin on the top of her head. “Thank you for giving me something to return to, Scully, thank you for giving me a purpose.”

Scully brought Mulder’s hand to rest on the swell of her stomach. “Thank you for giving me a miracle, Mulder.”